I went to a new gym that's opening in my neighborhood. It's AWESOME. I got a free runthrough with a trainer for over an hour! I was the only one in the gym, it's so new that they haven't even created the payment system or anything.

This gym rocks! It's high tech, you don't even have to concentrate on counting the repetitions because the machines do it for you There is a key system you can get that stores all informations for all the machines and the weights!

It's only $20 a month! or $212 a year! This is the best bargain I've seen in membership deals

I need to lose weight, I mean I'm around 146lbs and I'm 5'6"!  I know that's not overweight  but it's way too much for me.

I'm also going to get my diet straight, I've been eating nothing but junk for the longest time but today I managed to get through a day without ANY junkfood or candy

 Granted I barely ate.

Had a banana and sugarfree chocolate milk for lunch
Apple and a rice cake for dinner
Rice cake and a fruit cocktain in juice for evening snack. (after I took my night meds)

I REALLY need to lose weight!

I can't stand being this large

My body/mind is getting sleepy and sortof getting a weird 'high' feeling going on so I'm  going to go to bed, tomorrow is a busy day

Good night my Xanga friends if there are any still out there

I just posted this pool play widget from Starwood aloft for 500 credits. You can earn free credits too!

Hi guys!

I'm so busy at Experience Project now that I forget about Xanga. eek!

I'm doing pretty good. I'm going to a health spa, well it's actually total therapy place that focuses on both mind and body. I'll be getting Behavioral Modification sessions, physical therapy, occupational therapy, lots of exercise and gourmet food each meal every day!

I'm hoping and praying that this place can get me on track to gain my health and life back. I'm going to do my very best to get into the routein of eating 3 meals and 2 snacks a day. I won't have to worry about fatty or high calorie foods there because the menus are created for people trying to lose weight, that means I'll be eating very healthy foods for a change and if I get a good grip on eating those foods offered there I'm going to continue eating similar things at home and ditch all the junkfood and candy.

I need junkfood detox, pronto!

I leave on monday morning and I'm staying for 4 weeks, it's a 5 day program which means I'll have to go home on friday evening and return sunday night.

I'm also excited that I'm going to a lecture by the Dalai Lama on june 2nd! It's exciting to see him in person and hear his wisdom.

Unfortunately there have been more deaths around me, 2 men I know, my great aunt's husband (maternal grandma's side) died 2 weeks ago and so did a dear friend. I'm going to my friend's funeral tomorrow and my great uncle's funeral on Saturday.
This is ridiculous, that makes 5 funeral in the past 4 months!

On a positive note, I'm now officially a soloist! I had my first performance outside of school/choir at the beginning of the month and it was AWESOME! I also have another singing gig soon. 

I'm going to try to make time at least every other day to blog while I'm at the treatment center. I've got a special internet connection that allows me to go online ANYWHERE in and near the capital and also in various places out in the country. Which means I don't have to wait in line to use the computers that are at the center, I can use my laptop anytime, YAY!!

I'm feeling kinda sad right now.

My great uncle (he's married to my great aunt) fell in the shower 2 weeks ago, got severe head injury and spent 2 weeks in a coma and yesterday he passed away He just fell in the damn shower and DIED from the injuries! I mean that's just WRONG.

I just went to a funeral last month and it was my great uncle's funeral (same family) he died of cancer, same cancer which took the life of his oldest brother last year!

AND grandpa's youngest brother is fighting colon cancer, his daughter passed away in '94 from ovarian cancer that had spread throughout her body!

My grandpa is the only healthy brother left in this family, maybe I took out his cancer quota in my cancer battle in '82?

This is just freaking me out!

Strange thing is that my great aunts are doing well, one passed away due to old age a few years back.

It's like a freaking curse or something!

I'm the ONLY person in this family who has completely survived cancer....

  Glad to hear from you girls! I've missed you

I am doing better mentally and emotionally, BUT I've got a bad cold or the flu or some crappy bug *argh*  I'm just glad I got it now and not next week or the week after that because then I really need my health and strength both for all the hard and long choir practices and for the 2 concerts on the 23rd. So best get it over with now over spring break right?

Having the flu and petsitting 2 spoiled dogs and one intolerably spoiled Persian cat and another cat that keeps to herself thank God is NOT a good combo! I'm petsitting for my landlady until tuesday night (from friday) and thankfully the dogs have adjusted being upstairs with me and they don't even want to go downstairs lol, I have a balcony where they can go out to watch the neighbors, birds and the enemy cat that's trying to take over the male cat's territory, it's all quite dramatic lol, there's a cat war and the dogs are standing up for their brother cat, quite noble of them really.
I've moved myself to the livingroom so I can get the fresh spring air through the balcony door, I've made a bed on the couch and have spent all day under a comforter watching movies and surfing the internet, I've got it at home now WOOOHOOOO!!! actually now I can get the internet wherever I go even if I go to the country and there is no phone, even in the car  or outside in a lovely park lol, it's pretty cool and 6 times cheaper than the internet I had before! I used to pay over $63 a month and now I pay around $16 a month, which is quite a relief since I can hardly make ends meet financially because food is getting more and more expensive, medical services have upped their prices, but I've got a discount card and only pay 10-15% of the expenses (because of the disability pension) but now I'm going to be seeing even more specialists, a physical therapist and God knows what else I'm going to have to go through to help my deteriorating and ailing body.

My back is horrible now and the reason has been discovered, the osteoperosis has gotten significantly worse in my spine, the bone density is now down to 71% and that's pretty darn scary since 3 years ago it was almost 80%! I'm waiting to get on medication for it to try to halt or slow down the deterioration, I've already lost some height and if that's not scary enough if I try to sit with a straight back it's like I'm being stabbed with a freaking knife over and over again the pain is so intense. Most of the time I'm ok when I walk but if I'm carrying bags or have a backpack on my back my endurance level drops frightingly fast and I have to take many breaks even on a shortish walk

My little toe has finally stopped hurting, I broke it in December! this is ridiculous and frustrating to no end! I tripped and hit my toe on my bed and it broke just like that.

My digestive system is fucked up, yes it's been fucked up because of the IBS for years now, but it's constant now, I get NO breaks where I feel OK anymore, I'm sick of this, I truly am. The newest symptom I'm dealing with 24/7 is gas, there is constant bubbling and gurgling sounds in my abdomen, it's quite painful and the hooting and tooting is no fun either 
Another thing that scares me is that sometimes I've purged something that I ate 11+ hours earlier and it's completely untouched

I'm going to go into more things that are going on in my life in another post, I can't focus or concentrate anymore this evening.

I will be writing here more often again

Time to go to bed.

Good Night.

Hi guys, I'm sorry that I'm a lousy blogger these days, I'm still at my grandma's and she doesn't have internet connection so I can't get online

I'm going to be moving into my new apartment this week and there I'll have internet there, yay!

I hope that everyone is doing well!

I'm doing ok I guess, just taking things day by day and trying not to focus on all the horrible things that are happening in the world these days.

Love all around and hugs

well this SUCKS!

I broke my little toe! I hit it really hard yesterday and thought nothing of it, this morning I woke up in agony and the toe is now at least twice it's size, red, purple and blue. I went to the ER and the dr said that it's obviously broken and the only thing that could be done was to tape it to the toe next to it.

I have to be able to stand for up to 7 hours tomorrow! The Icelandic Divas concert is tomorrow and I sing with the girls choir. I can't miss this, this is a HUGE gift to me from my mentor because I'm the only adult chosen to sing with the girls.
This concert is AMAZING, the singers are fantastic and I met and talked to my favorite male singer and he was nice and he's going to look for my friend request on Facebook lol.

I'm going to have to figure out how to take a shower, I can't get my right foot wet,

Well I'm out of the looney bin, I was so not ready to go home, I still felt like shit, had a very hard time eating, felt suicidal, yet the jerk discharged me against everyones protest.
I felt pretty rotten on Friday when I was discharged and it was decided that I would stay with either my mom or grandma until I get a new apartment whenever that may be. I will not be sleeping in my apartment at all from now on, I will only go home to pack up the apartment and most likely someone will be with me. My family doesn't really want me to be alone.

Our Christmas concert was yesterday and we had a concert at 2pm and again at 4:30pm. The day was WONDERFUL, the church was PACKED both times and our foreign affairs minister came. I've never seen the church as full of people as it was during the later concert, it was amazing and it was also starting to become dark outside so bright lights shone throughout the church. The little girls were so cute and adorable, I bought some Christmas candy for the youngest girls and they loved it, when I ran out of candy I ran out to the candy store that was close by and bought some more candy, I told the clerk that I wanted 10 pieces of a certain candy and I told him that I was giving the candy to little girls that just performed in a difficult concert and the man dumped the entire content of the box and gave it to me

Today my family went for a Christmas brunch and I found some things I like but I ended up finding a bathroom and purging the food  then I found out the meal was my Christmas gift from her and I felt so guilty.

Now difficult times are ahead of my family, my mom is going in for an accessment tomorrow morning to find out what type of tumor is in her neck, how it's going to be removed and when the operation will be on Tuesday. Mom will be in the hospital for 4 or 5 days, perhaps longer, who knows. Here comes even more uncertainty, I HATE uncertainty!
After she comes back home mom wants me to stay with her because she's scared of being alone. The roles have changed, first mom took care of me when I battled cancer, now I'm going to be taking care of my mom (along with my stepdad) while she fights through the recovery after the removal of the peach sized tumor that's pressing on her spine at the 7th vertibrae.. This tumor is very rare and nobody really knows what will happen after the tumor is removed and that's really really scary, if something goes wrong in the operation she could become paralyzed
Seeing my mom the last few days has been heartbreaking, she's scared and sad and also milking this illness as much as she can.

I'm not strong enough to take care of my mom, not like this and I'm scared of what's to come.

I'm putting the apartment search on hold until January, then prices will drop drastically because things just continue to go worse by the day in this country, just when we think things can't get any worse it does. Also I don't want to worry about apartments while taking care of my mom, mom will be at the top of my priorities list and making Christmas as enjoyable as possible.

People have started putting up Christmas decorations and lights up, actually some started at the beginning of November. My favorite radio channel only plays Christmas songs now.

Tomorrow I go to choir practice for the most amazing Christmas concert of the year. It's the one with the Icelandic Divas. It's called 'Frost Roses' and it's the biggest event of Christmas here in Iceland and I get to sing in the choir!! A singer I adore will be performing at that concert and it's been a dream of mine to stand on the same stage as him since I first heard his voice 2 years ago, his voice is golden and he is gorgeous! That concert will be on the 13th. Then I sing with my mentor and few of her friends at a midnight mass on Christmas Eve, I've been a part of that for about 4 years now and it's lovely.

Another person has been added to my health team to keep a watch on me, so there will be my home nurse, my psychiatrist, an orderly (don't know the english word for the vocation) an occupational therapist that I can call whenever I need to, my GP, plus the people at the MH organization I'm a member at. I can also always call my friend that's both my choir sister and a nurse at the ward I usually stay at.
Then I have my grandma, maternal aunts, mom (later on) my mentor, a homeopath, a healer, my step-dad, my great aunt, my paternal aunt and uncle, my paternal grandparents and my best friend when she comes home in the middle of December.
I feel pretty safe now and I won't get the chance to do anything harmful to myself and I'm not going to harm myself

I asked my mom to get the name of the tumor so that I can research it and learn all I can do about it so I can be as helpful as possible.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my OC tomorrow at 1pm and a protest at 3pm and choir practice at 5pm, then I need to move a mattress and my stuff to my grandma's where I will be staying for the duration of my mom's hospitalization. I'm ok with that now. It's going to be fun helping grandma bake cookies and decorate her apartment and then I get to decorate my mom's apartment.

I hope you guys are doing well, I've missed you all!

Love and huggles

I can't be trusted to deal with this crap by myself anymore, I have promised 3 people today that if the urge to cut becomes too strong I'm supposed to contact them right away and I've promised them that I won't kill myself tonight like I want to do so badly.

Tomorrow morning my home nurse will come and pick me up and take me to the psych ward, if not her then my occupational therapist at the MH organization or both together, I don't know how it's going to happen but one of them will go with me and demand that I be admitted to the ward I'm always at. This will be my 13th or 14th stay (maybe more) at that ward since 2001.

I know this is the only option for me right now, I'm in such a bad state, wanting to cut, wanting to kill myself, not being able to eat anything and drinking is very hard now also and goes straight through my body which means I've become dehydrated. My OT begged me to drink a half a cup of hot chocolate for her, she said 'this is the mommie in me begging you here because I'm extremely worried about you and don't know what else to do' I agreed eventually and she went into the kitchen and made me some hot chocolate (w/o milk) I started crying when she brought in the cup and when she put it in front of me I couldn't drink it, I kept stirring it and she begged again 'Please try to drink half a teaspoon Iris', it took me another couple of minutes to be able to do that, it tasted so good but I wanted to spit it out as soon as I put it inside my mouth, I felt so bad that I swallowed it and then slowly took in more teaspoonfulls and eventually sipped from the cup. I wanted to fucking scream the entire time, it hurt my stomach right away and I tensed up and everything went to hell after that. When our session was over she looked in the cup and saw that I had only been able to drink 1/3 of the small amount that was in the small cup (she brought in the smallest cup), she pleaded with me to finish what was left in the cup out in the main area with the other women that were chatting, I told her that I couldn't do it and went straight to the sink and poured it in the sink and put the cup in the dishwasher
I LOVE HOT CHOCOLATE! and I couldn't even drink half a freaking cup of it, I usually drink large cups of it at my work, at least 2 in the morning and maybe 1 after lunch at the MH organization, so this is REALLY bad and it scares the crap out of me because I see myself in IP refusing all food and liquids because there is no way in hell that I can consume anything, this is the stress, IBS and the ED talking, it's like they've made a pact to destroy me once and for all.

I've ALWAYS been cooperative in IP but I don't see that happening now, I CAN'T EAT! Fucking hell, I've never felt like this before and I don't know how to deal with this and it's scaring the crap out of me I'm drowning.....

I'm feeling very close to

I've lost 8 lbs since wednesday, probably more by now. I HATE this intoxicating feeling that comes with rapid weightloss and starvation because a part of me wants to stay away from IP and just continue starving myself and continue to lose more weight, but I know that if I don't get help I'm going to end up dead and even though I don't want to live anymore I don't want to die (does that make sense?) I can't do that to my loved ones, but the pain becomes so bad both physically and mentally that I don't want to exist anymore and that's why I'm going in tomorrow, to be somewhere safe when the pain becomes too much, somewhere where I can't reach pills, knives or razors.

I need help to deal with the immense stress, anxiety and fear that's overhelming me every single minute of the day.
Even the constant harrassment from the free TV station has become too much for me to handle and I start crying when I see them which is at every single commercial break and they're even cutting into shows to bring out their message of forthcomming doom January 1st. (Station had to fire everybody)

I can't take it anymore!

I need to gain strength and balance before the christmas concert at the end of the month, I MUST be able to sing at that concert.

I desperately want to get out of this misery, I pray to God that they will be able to help me somehow at the psych ward.

I ask for your prayers and positive energy and thoughts, I need all the help I can get.

Love you girls

*Hugs*